December 2008
1 post
Holiday Hours!!!
No, we’re not staying open later for you last-minute shoppers, we’re cutting down for two days for “family time.” (eewie)
- Wednesday, December 24: open until 8. (So if any of you jerks try to come in at 10, we won’t be here!)
- Thursday, December 25 (Christmas, y00!): CLOSED!
So enjoy the holdays and whatnot, and please don’t try to break into the...
September 2008
2 posts
Sunday, Sept. 21: FIELD DAY OH-EIGHT, MUTHAS!!!
* * * * * Fred was kind enough to organize this year’s installment of FIELD DAY — similar to the grade school event, ‘cept fer the fact that we’re all old and brittle now, and the complaints of SORENESS that will inevitably continue on into subsequent weeks. But whatev, it’s fun, free…and lots of other good stuff that I’m too tired to write about...
LABOR DAY STRIKES AGAIN!!
Just wanted ta let everyone know that the new shipment for this week is delayed until THURSDAY, SEPT. 4 due to the Labor Day “holiday”. Seriously, how is it that Diamond Comic Distributors keeps closing on all these lame holi-wannabes? What’s next, they shut down the works for Secretary’s Day, or National Take A Crap In Your Pants Day?? (well, I suppose that one would be...
May 2008
1 post
R.S.V.P. Required
37words: In answer to your recent inquiry: The gods were planning a huge banquet – the most exquisite dishes, party games the likes of which mortals couldn’t even conceive, and a guestlist that made the modern-day Oscars “Red Carpet” look like Skid Row. They went as far as sending out gold-engraved invitations via carrier pegasus. Everyone was to show up in their very finest togas — it would be...
March 2008
5 posts
Hitchcock on the Highway
37words: Birds were attacking a corpse. Or at least what appeared to be a corpse… It just turned out to be some massive loaves of bread on the side of the road; guess they had fallen off a truck (not in the “hot-property, seemingly stolen” sense, but actually fell off a delivery vehicle.) I should go back to that stretch of I-95 to see what OTHER goods had been left behind by loose latches...
Jeez, some people, y'know?
37words: Oh, hey. Um, your ex-roomate called to congratulate you on winning “World’s Biggest Dumbfuck.” Again. Wow, four years in a row, that’s…impressive? Anyways, I wrote his number down on a napkin, but I, uh, kinda used it to sop up some Dr. Pepper I spilled…on that CD player of yours I had borrowed. Yeah, I told you I was taking it, remember? Yes I did. Well, whatever, I’m sure he’ll...
Not today, Not EVER
37words: This, for certain, will be my mostest fastest 37words yet — partly because I’m tired as a motherfuck and just wanna go ta bed, but mostly due to the fact that I’m imagining being chased by a saber-tooth tiger, and instead of running, I’m TYPING!! [C’mon, type FASTER — HE’S RIGHT ON YOUR TAIL, MORON!!!] And if I make a typo, it’s as if I tripped over a branch lying on the ground (we’re...
"Clean Up in Aisle 5"
37words: On my daily trip to the supermarket, I passed by some supermarket dudes talking and overheard “Yeah, I told them ‘I’m just doing Soap tonight. I’m doing Soap and then I’m DONE.’” I very briefly considered hovering to hear the rest of the story, but then quickly realized that that would be low, even for MY near-non-existent standards for entertainment. I must confess, though, that I’ll...
Silly to YOU, maybe, but not silly to me
37words: This one’s got nothing at all to do with coffee-colored people; and now that I think about it, I’m a little disturbed that you would ask that in the first place — and I’m sure the coffee-colored people would agree with me. AT ANY RATE, Marge over at The Shoprite informs me that her husband’s prosthetic leg was indeed covered under warranty! … . no, that’s not true, none of it is. In...
February 2008
12 posts
I'm pretty sure there's a snake in this very room
37words: Mass genocide is just another way of saying “I love you, but I love them a lot less” Two steps forward, three steps back (and that middle step is landing on my ballsack) I don’t think dogs should use tampons but really I’m not an expert and maybe they should When I hear the rattling in my chest it reminds me I was dumb to’ve swallowed all of that spare change There’s no way Shelly...
"Of course, you realize this means WAR!"
37words: The year was 2014, and the Alaskan border had been breached by the Scandinavian Army — which was a considerable task, taking into account the high boost in security after the apparent assassination of North American President Jacques Saint-Pierre. Casualties were heavy on both sides, numbering in the tens of thousands. Tensions had flared earlier in the decade due to N.A. trade...
Fire Lane, Shmire Lane!
37words: I just LOVE having huge trucks blocking the entirety of my storefront – I mean, why would I want prospective customers to be able to see us from the road? A tiny bit of justice was administered by the fact that I have own vehicle sitting outside at the curb, so they had to pull that monster in on a nice, awkward angle – I hope it took ‘em a half-hour to park the fucker, haha. The crazy...
Crossing the Rubicon
37words: It is a bit late for pleasantries, so don’t mind if I cut to the chase: I’m not saying that you’ve waited too long and missed your shot – you NEVER had a chance. But feel some consolation in the fact that I’m letting you walk away from here mostly intact – the parts I’m taking with me, you can’t see; you sure didn’t use them much anyway, and you might not’ve even known they were there...
MOLASSES
37words: Is it too much to ask that my computer stop being a slow-ass piece of crap and actually keep up with how quickly I need things to go? I gots shit ta do, and NO time to waste staring at an annoying little hourglass… It’s like, I can click on a link and then go play a round’a GOLF while I wait for the page to load – and I SUCK at golf, so you know that’s a good, long chunk’a the day… ...
"Is it important? You're yelling so loud"
37words: And here I am years later, still waiting for the punchline. To be honest, I don’t think the governor has any idea what he’s doing. You can try to burn the evidence but it’ll always linger in the air, in your lungs, your very being. Is there a difference between porridge and oatmeal? Never one to cause trouble, I won’t bring up the fact that you’re sleeping with her daughter. “Shake Well...
Haute Cuisine?
37words: Here’s how it went down: I stopped at WaWa to pick up some dinner; I ordered the Shorti (no dick jokes, please) – Hot Turkey with Swiss AND Provolone. Add some Creamy Horseradish sauce and Roasted Red Peppers and **BAM**, pure deliciousness! But there is a secret ingredient that brings this puppy over the top: when I got home, I broke out a magical little number named LINGONBERRIES!...
DIY Lobotomy
37words: Don’t give it a second thought. If you’ve wasted even one instant thinking about it, that’s far too long; it’s none of your business and you should KEEP it that way. I swear to you right now, if I knew —as much as one can “know” about a thing that is intangible, invisible— that twenty-eight people had it on their minds at this moment, I would break open every motherfucking one of those...
FINAL ANSWER!!
37words: So, I’m workin’ on about two hours sleep right now, which is far less than I would’ve liked to have gotten. Guess I shouldn’t complain, though; some people probably get that much EVERY night (maybe that’s why they’re such assholes…) And there are yet others for whom two hours is all the rest they require – I mean, the common housefly only needs 8 seconds of sleep every three...
"That'll be $2.50. . . ....zzzZZzzzZzzZZzz....."
37words: I’m INSANE-O tired, but I hafta wake up in a few hours to get ready for some crappy-ass comic convention; the fact that I waste my day off doing that shit has even ME doubting my soundness of mind… The best part is when a customer asks if I have something and I tell them “Not here, but we do stock it at our shop”, to which they reply “Do you know if the bus runs by there?” I’m thinking...
hmm, don't remember THAT from the preview...
37words: I saw “The Spiderwick Chronicles” tonight, and I was stunned, to say the very least – not at the plot, acting, or special effects (all of which were just about average), but at the graphic nature and length of the sex scenes!! [hmm, come ta think of it, those were some pretty special effects – it looked like the ogre actually was jizzing hot lava all over the goblins, much to their...
Three Fifty-Three (Ante Meridiem)
37words: Well, lookit that – a “new” version of 100Words. I’m appalled that you would be so low as to steal that poor dude’s idea…I hope Craig or Chris or Seth or whateverthefuck his name is finds you guys and beats your asses. But you should be all right as long as you write VAGINA as much as possible, and with plenty of variations like “fagina” and my favorite, “yumgina”. It could even...